Winter Storm in the Middle of Spring: Second Episode:27th of December, 2004.

Winter Storm in the Middle of Spring: Second Episode

27th of December, 2014.

The exact day came for biopsy and surgery. I printed a kiss on the foreheads of my children, and while I hugged them I breathed in their smell, asking God to grant me safety and wellness. I went to the Radiology Department to do the so-called Localization to locate the tumor by using iron wire that ends with a hook. The hook is then implanted in the tumor by tracking the location through ultrasound, and that helps the surgeon to access the tumor directly. It is not necessary to make a large hole to search for the tumor. The selection process was a bit painful, especially as I watched as they implanted the wires in my body, and saw drops of my blood spill in front of me. 

Suddenly I noticed that my doctor was confused for some reason. She took me to do a mammogram, but I didn’t know why I needed to do another one. I went with her while there were still two metal wires in my breast. However, I really did not care about why we were doing this as my main concern was to complete the biopsy and do the surgery. After this procedure I rushed to the hospital for my surgery.

Surgery

The lights of the operating room were shining in my eyes, but began to fade with the start of the anesthesia. I prayed to reassure my heart as the sense of losing consciousness with anesthesia scared me. I focused on the sound in my mind of my dad’s voice, reciting the prayers that I had memorized by listening to him from a very young age. 

I lost consciousness before I finished my prayers.

I awoke from the operation feeling heavy weight and pain in my breasts. It seemed like a complete surgery had been done, not only the biopsy. I was very afraid that a mastectomy had been performed, but only the tumor had been removed. I found my father and my husband beside me, although I was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia. But still I noticed a change in their faces, and saw sadness in their eyes. 

“What happened and what are you hiding from me?” I asked.

They answered that they were worried and were just waiting for me to wake. I asked about the results and they told me the doctor would come in the evening to tell us the results together. 

I was transferred to my own room. Waiting for the evening to see the doctor was difficult. I prayed to God to reassure my heart and to give me comfort. I fell asleep due to the anesthesia and time passed quickly. I woke to a knock on the door. A nurse entered and I put on my hijab. My heart beat fast and hard, and I felt as if it would come out of my chest. My forehead was sweating and my hands trembled. Was this worry, or exhaustion after surgery, or because I could not sleep the night before?

The doctor began to talk. 

“Thank God the surgery went well, we wish you a speedy recovery. We took a biopsy and because of its result, we removed the tumor. We found it to be a malignant tumor. You have breast cancer. Your husband asked to be the one to tell you, but I prefer to inform my patients myself.”

So without introductions or trying to temper the atmosphere the doctor gave me the very shocking and sad news that I had cancer.

The news came with the impact of a thunderbolt. I felt very dizzy and tight in my chest, and tears fell from my eyes. I could only picture the image of my small babies. God inspired me to say, “O Allah, reward me in my affliction and replace it with something better than it.” This was what my dear mother did when struck with her calamities. Perhaps her strength, her steadfastness and her satisfaction with fate and destiny were among the strongest and most important lessons she instilled in us. And she was the best example for us in this. When she was in pain she said, “Oh, Allah” instead of “ow.”

The doctor continued. 

“The good news is that we discovered the disease at a very early stage. The bad news is that the tumor is very active and spreading very fast. The tumor type is a grade 3 out of 4 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I advise you not to travel because getting into the health system in Canada is difficult at first, and you will need support during your treatment as you have two small children, especially if the oncologists decide to go with chemotherapy. But I think the tumor is too small. Only the tumor has been removed and the breast is complete, but you should think about having a future mastectomy as a preventative measure due to your age and your family history. You should also conduct genetic testing.” 

I did not need to hear these last words.

The doctor left.

And I cried. 

My father and husband hugged me, and we kept silent. What can we say under this shock?

My husband tried to be strong and said, 

“You will be fine. Thank God the disease was discovered early, and our God is generous and merciful. Do not cry and do not grieve. I know that the doctor's method was not good in conveying the news to you. I wish I did not follow his request and had told you myself instead.”

I remembered my mother, may God have mercy on her, and her suffering with the disease. And how we suffered after losing her, and I did not want my children to suffer in this way. I remembered all the pain, suffering, and death, and I called to God to connect with my heart. Despite my mother's illness and death, I never thought that one day I would have the same illness. I tried to direct my thoughts in another direction. My diagnosis did not necessarily mean that my illness and suffering would be the same as my mother’s. I had also known the stories of women who survived cancer. And I remembered that the cause of my mother's death was ovarian cancer, not breast cancer. So I decided it was better to think of God and His will as best as I could, and remain optimistic with faith and hope in God.

What saddened me then was that I most likely could not travel with my husband to Canada, and that would split our family. 

That was a horrible night. I had so many mixed emotions and felt terrible.

The next day I left the hospital. I missed my children so much. I went back home and took them in my arms before I even took off my hijab. I hugged them and carried them tight, even though it was painful because of the wound. I had a terrible pain in my rib cage.

 And My Winter Started

Sadness hung over everyone in the house, and after discussing it I decided to stay in Jeddah for treatment while my husband goes to Canada. There were only a few days to go before our scheduled departure. Now I had to start separating my children's belongings from my husband's luggage. This process was very difficult. Separating our luggage felt like cutting parts of my heart. Separating my things blended with my pain and my sadness. Any thoughts brought tears that fell from my eyes like rain. I cried to God Almighty and asked Him to bring down His mercy and kindness, and to comfort me to face this journey.

I remembered then that my friend had a dream during my pregnancy where she saw my mother in a high tower. She had to ascend to its highest level with great difficulty, but when she reached the top of the tower she had comfort. Then my friend saw me as I climbed up to my mother, also with great difficulty, until I arrived and rested with her. I asked my friend how to interpret this dream, and she in turn asked a knowledgeable expert, who explained that I might go through hardships like my mother. But that with our patience through the tribulations God will grant us a great reward and a high place in heaven. My friend told me about this dream to soothe my grief and pain, as I was suffering during  my pregnancy. At that time I thought the hardship was only what I was facing in my pregnancy. I never imagined that I would suffer in the same way as my mother. Cancer.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I suffered in both pregnancies from hyperemesis gravidarum, which is a severe condition with vomiting up to forty times a day. I was very dehydrated and it was difficult for the hospital nurses to find a vein for the needle, so used my leg instead. It was so severe I was hospitalized for a month during my first pregnancy. My weight was about twenty kilograms. My vomiting problem continued during childbirth and lasted for a month afterward. The doctors explained that this was a physical interaction with a change in the level of hormones. Only one medicine, which was sold only in Canada, was my savior (after God) and gave me a lot of relief. Thank God, God was pleased to have a relative of mine studying medicine in Canada! Thankfully he sent the medicine to Saudi Arabia for my first and second pregnancies. I was very tired throughout, but I was convinced that God had wisdom for me from this affliction. Perhaps preparing me to face something more difficult? 

I felt this wisdom the day I discovered I had cancer.

My husband's friend called him after my diagnosis, but he didn’t know about my illness. He told my husband that he saw him in a dream facing a great fire. Perhaps that fire was the cancer that invaded our family, and the upcoming separation.

I had been afraid of the cold winter of Canada. But now it was a much stronger winter inside of me. Another kind of winter. 

We were actually in the winter season at the time, but the winters of Jeddah are as nice and warm as spring. I, however, was living in the coldest of winters within the warmth of Jeddah in the middle of the spring age of my life. 

I prayed to God to help me and soothe my inner burning pain with the coolness of certainty and faith.